Once upon a time, I was a fan of Taco Bell. When I was in Jr. High school, the only taco bell around here was at the mall. Every now and then my friends and I would take the bus to the mall, do a little shopping and then head for the food court for some fine dining. I remember how I thought Taco Bell's soft shell Taco Supremes were the SHIZNIT!!! Either I had a steel drum for a belly or they have seriously changed the way they make their crappy food. Probably both.
I will share a very quick, very personal, very embarrassing story with all of you now. About 4 years ago, the hubby and I were going food shopping. We were a little hungry and decided we should grab something quick to eat on the way, you know, so we wouldn't be food shopping hungry, that's a big no-no. So he got Burger King and I got a Chicken Baja Chalupa from Taco Bell. We ate our food in the car and then headed into the grocery store. About 15 minutes into out shopping excursion, I started getting a bad case of the bubble guts. I wasn't sure what was going on in my belly. I felt like I had to pass gas, but was afraid that I may just shart my pants. haha! No seriously. So of course the hubby is laughing at me, which makes me giggle which is dangerous in a situation like this. By the time we got over to the frozen food section, I was pretty sure I was going to have to abandon my whole cart of food and run for the bathroom. We timed our check out perfect and was able to get out of there in record time. On the drive home, we made a plan. I would sit in the car while Hubby unlocked and opened all of the doors, he would then hold open the screen door so I could just bolt in to the house and take care of business. Sorry if this disgusts anyone, but get over it...everyone poops, ha! I have not eaten at Taco Bell since that day and I changed their slogan from, "Run for the Border" to "Run for the Bathroom". Hubby and I still crack up whenever this day comes to mind and whenever we see a commercial for Taco Bell. What did I learn that day?? Something is not right with their food or at least it no longer agrees with me.
I saw a commercial the other day for their new tacos that are in a shell made of frigging Doritos; the Doritos Locos Taco. ARE YOU SHITTING ME??!! Pun intended! That doesn't even sound appetizing whatsoever. I don't understand the need for all of the ridiculous gimmicks and disgusting food experiments. The most delicious tacos and burritos I have ever had had all natural REAL ingredients in them and they definitely were not served up in some nasty fake cheese, finger staining taco shell. To each his own, but best believe I will never experience the shit show known as the Doritos Locos Taco.
And now I leave you with one of my all time favorite SNL commercial parodies, Taco Town. I'm pretty sure this is what Taco Bell is aspiring to achieve.
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Updates
I took a little break from blogging for a few weeks. But I'm back!!!!!! In the past few weeks I have:
Since starting to eat clean I have lost a little over 3 lbs in about a week. I am not counting calories anymore, I am just eating when I am hungry and only eating whole (unprocessed) foods. I am never hungry. I am never stuffed. I am always satisfied. I eat every 2-3 hours and drink a shit ton of water. No juice, no soda. I have discovered some new (to me) delicious healthy foods and I know that I will never go back to eating processed SHIT food again. Just reading all of the crap that is listed on most packaged food in the grocery store infuriates me. I just don't understand the manufacturer's "need" to add all of this crap and chemicals to the foods we eat and feed our growing children. Many of these ingredients are proven to cause obesity, brain damage, behavioral problems, cancer, and many other ailments/diseases. I will no longer allow any processed food in my house and since I am the primary food shopper and cook, it will be easy to control. No one seems to miss the old processed stuff. Well that is not entirely true... my son constantly asks for his Captain America snacks and chocolate milk and whenever we are out he asks for McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts and I deny him every time. My hubby asked for and received Burger King last weekend. The hardest to break will be my teenage daughter, the junk food-a-holic. But she will have to get herself a job if she wants to eat shit because she won't find it in the house. Funny story: My daughter was out one afternoon and all of the sudden she came running in the house and running for the bathroom. She comes out a few minutes later and said, OMG, I had to poop so bad. I asked her if her stomach was upset. She said no, it was a normal poop but she wasn't ready because she already went yesterday and she usually only goes once every 3 or 4 days. UM WHAT?!!! I said what, you only go every 3-4 days? She said yeah, but since I've been eating home more I have to go more. I said, yeah...When you eat shit...you can't shit. She started cracking up and said, yeah I guess so. I proceeded to overload her with all of the "fun facts" I discovered by reading about Clean Eating and all of the side effects from eating a diet full of highly processed foods. She was amazed but she is addicted to sugar and all of her convenient foods. She is 17 and isn't too interested in her health at this time. One day she will come around. But, in the meantime, she will have a hard time finding anything processed and junky at home.
Everyone in the family better get used to it because this is not a diet, it's our new way of life.
- Discovered Clean Eating and it makes perfect sense!
- Purchased, tasted, and fell in love with the Larabar
- Learned how to make my own Larabars, which is awesome because I can't afford to love store bought ones!
- Made the most delish chocolate cake and brownies out of BEANS!!! DO NOT KNOCK IT!
- Donated a trash bag full of toys and clothes to Salvation Army
- Enjoyed Thanksgiving and did not make a pig of myself - at all
- Started a new Christmas tradition with my son with the Elf on the Shelf.
- Completed the third and final memory quilt for my boss.
- Realized that I need to change my payment policy for quilts :(
- Received 4 new orders for quilts, one of which is a Memory Quilt!
- Completed all Christmas gift shopping, (except for finishing touches for stockings and my Salvation Army Angel)
- Learned to like water - unsweetened and with out artificial flavorings. WHAT WHAT?!?!?!
- Decided to try at least one new food every week.
- Joined the Green Monster Movement!
- I have lost 3 more pounds
- Received my 5 finger sneakers but they didn't fit on my Frankenfoot, so I had to return :(
- Ohhhhhhhhhhh and my daughter has started GED prep classes!!!!!! (Very proud :)
As for myself, I have never felt better. I am still significantly overweight, but I am not stressing it. I am eating healthy and Clean. I am exercising (not as much as I should, but adding more movement every day). I have more energy. I do not feel exhausted like I did before when I wasn't Eating Clean. I am eating delicious whole foods (food with little to no refining or processing and containing no artificial additives or preservatives; natural or organic food.) I know that by continuing to eat clean the pounds will come off effortlessly and I will never feel deprived of scrumptious foods.
Since starting to eat clean I have lost a little over 3 lbs in about a week. I am not counting calories anymore, I am just eating when I am hungry and only eating whole (unprocessed) foods. I am never hungry. I am never stuffed. I am always satisfied. I eat every 2-3 hours and drink a shit ton of water. No juice, no soda. I have discovered some new (to me) delicious healthy foods and I know that I will never go back to eating processed SHIT food again. Just reading all of the crap that is listed on most packaged food in the grocery store infuriates me. I just don't understand the manufacturer's "need" to add all of this crap and chemicals to the foods we eat and feed our growing children. Many of these ingredients are proven to cause obesity, brain damage, behavioral problems, cancer, and many other ailments/diseases. I will no longer allow any processed food in my house and since I am the primary food shopper and cook, it will be easy to control. No one seems to miss the old processed stuff. Well that is not entirely true... my son constantly asks for his Captain America snacks and chocolate milk and whenever we are out he asks for McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts and I deny him every time. My hubby asked for and received Burger King last weekend. The hardest to break will be my teenage daughter, the junk food-a-holic. But she will have to get herself a job if she wants to eat shit because she won't find it in the house. Funny story: My daughter was out one afternoon and all of the sudden she came running in the house and running for the bathroom. She comes out a few minutes later and said, OMG, I had to poop so bad. I asked her if her stomach was upset. She said no, it was a normal poop but she wasn't ready because she already went yesterday and she usually only goes once every 3 or 4 days. UM WHAT?!!! I said what, you only go every 3-4 days? She said yeah, but since I've been eating home more I have to go more. I said, yeah...When you eat shit...you can't shit. She started cracking up and said, yeah I guess so. I proceeded to overload her with all of the "fun facts" I discovered by reading about Clean Eating and all of the side effects from eating a diet full of highly processed foods. She was amazed but she is addicted to sugar and all of her convenient foods. She is 17 and isn't too interested in her health at this time. One day she will come around. But, in the meantime, she will have a hard time finding anything processed and junky at home.
Everyone in the family better get used to it because this is not a diet, it's our new way of life.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
BACTERIA CAFETERIA!
Did you know that studies have found that the average desk harbors 400 times more bacteria than the average toilet seat!!?? How disgusting is that? Your phone, keyboard, mouse and where your hands lay on your desk are the dirtiest.
Studies showed that one of the least contaminated areas in the workplace was...are you ready??... THE TOILET! Hmm, I know they did not include my office building in this study. I'm not buying that the toilets in this place are one of the least contaminated areas. I SEE THE EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT MY ARGUMENT ON THE DAILY.
Other areas in the workplace that are germ infested are the water cooler, microwave handles, bathroom faucet handles, (I say) toilet seats and handles, and all doors.
I am grossed out on a daily basis at my job by the lipstick smudges on the spout of our water cooler. We all know exactly who the culprit is, but no one has the balls to say anything to her, ha! And I always think about all of the other people who probably rub their water bottle all over the spout too, but we just don't know about it because they don't leave a lipstick trail behind.
I am also mortified by the number of people I hear NOT wash their hands after going to the bathroom in this joint. The walls are paper thin in the bathrooms and unfortunately I can hear everything that goes down in there. And I mean...EVERYTHING! Including, who did not wash their hands. Then I think about how these people are going to go fill up their water bottle and touch the dispenser handle, or possibly open the fridge and spread their germs all over the fridge handle. Oh now it's time for lunch and they will using the microwave. How about a little fecal matter with your chicken noodle soup. Mmmm.
Many people bring in food and then forget to take home or dispose of the leftovers. Then the food spoils and is probably contaminating everything in the fridge. The office refrigerator should be cleaned out once a week. I think I am going to try and implement a new routine. I am going to place a pack of post it notes and a marker in the kitchen and ask everyone to please write their name and the date on a post it and place it on their container or bag when putting it in the fridge. This will hopefully serve as a reminder to them to eat or discard at the end of the week. I am often the person who gets stuck cleaning out the fridge, I guess because it just bothers me most. I can't say I have much regard for what container belongs to who. If it has hair and is green it gets tossed, I don't care who's it is. But if everyone had their names on the containers, it would definitely make my "job" easier. I could just pull out all of the spoiled items and put them on the counter and send an email to all of the Shenaniganizers and tell them to collect their containers.
To keep office areas clean and bacteria free use disinfectant wipes or spray to routinely clean these surfaces. By doing so microorganisms can be reduced by 99% or more. If using a spray, wipe with paper towels, and change the towels frequently to avoid spreading bacteria from one surface to another.
Point of this post could be many.
Studies showed that one of the least contaminated areas in the workplace was...are you ready??... THE TOILET! Hmm, I know they did not include my office building in this study. I'm not buying that the toilets in this place are one of the least contaminated areas. I SEE THE EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT MY ARGUMENT ON THE DAILY.
Other areas in the workplace that are germ infested are the water cooler, microwave handles, bathroom faucet handles, (I say) toilet seats and handles, and all doors.
I am grossed out on a daily basis at my job by the lipstick smudges on the spout of our water cooler. We all know exactly who the culprit is, but no one has the balls to say anything to her, ha! And I always think about all of the other people who probably rub their water bottle all over the spout too, but we just don't know about it because they don't leave a lipstick trail behind.
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| photo courtesy of www.tboblogs.com |
I am also mortified by the number of people I hear NOT wash their hands after going to the bathroom in this joint. The walls are paper thin in the bathrooms and unfortunately I can hear everything that goes down in there. And I mean...EVERYTHING! Including, who did not wash their hands. Then I think about how these people are going to go fill up their water bottle and touch the dispenser handle, or possibly open the fridge and spread their germs all over the fridge handle. Oh now it's time for lunch and they will using the microwave. How about a little fecal matter with your chicken noodle soup. Mmmm.
Many people bring in food and then forget to take home or dispose of the leftovers. Then the food spoils and is probably contaminating everything in the fridge. The office refrigerator should be cleaned out once a week. I think I am going to try and implement a new routine. I am going to place a pack of post it notes and a marker in the kitchen and ask everyone to please write their name and the date on a post it and place it on their container or bag when putting it in the fridge. This will hopefully serve as a reminder to them to eat or discard at the end of the week. I am often the person who gets stuck cleaning out the fridge, I guess because it just bothers me most. I can't say I have much regard for what container belongs to who. If it has hair and is green it gets tossed, I don't care who's it is. But if everyone had their names on the containers, it would definitely make my "job" easier. I could just pull out all of the spoiled items and put them on the counter and send an email to all of the Shenaniganizers and tell them to collect their containers.
To keep office areas clean and bacteria free use disinfectant wipes or spray to routinely clean these surfaces. By doing so microorganisms can be reduced by 99% or more. If using a spray, wipe with paper towels, and change the towels frequently to avoid spreading bacteria from one surface to another.
Point of this post could be many.
- Wash your hands after using the bathroom (your mom should've taught you that...)
- Be mindful that others will be using the water cooler after you, since it isn't your private property. So don't rub your germ covered bottle all over the spout. Simply hover your bottle under the spout and allow the water to pour into the bottle.
- PEOPLE ARE INCONSIDERATE.
- Clean and disinfect your desk regularly since it is 400 times grosser than a toilet.
- Throw away your unwanted food in the refrigerator, since your mom nor your maid are here to do it for you.
- PEOPLE ARE SLOBS.
- Use paper towels to shut off the faucet, shut off the light and open the door in the bathroom because you never know what the person before you did in there or if they washed their hands.
- Wash hands frequently.
- PEOPLE ARE DIRTY BEASTS.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Feeling good!
Just want to start off by saying how proud I am of myself! WHOOT! I have been eating healthy for the last 3 weeks. I have lost a little over 6 pounds and I feel great. I do need to get some more exercise in, as my plan to wake up early and work out on the Total Gym just is not happening. I am simply NOT a morning person. I need to dedicate at least 20 minutes five days a week to the Total Gym. I just need to prioritize my time after work better to do so.
In spite of my lack luster and often non existent exercising, my pants are fitting looser and I have lost those 6+ pounds I mentioned earlier.
A woman that I work with approached me and asked if I would be interested in having a little friendly "Biggest Loser" style competition with her . Hell yeah! We decided that the Biggest Loser would receive a $10.00 gift card from the other. I'm all for it. We are doing it for 10 weeks. Then after those 10 weeks we will start the competition again, and again, until we reach our goals. Of course we both want to win, but regardless of who the winner is, we will both be WINNING! We will both be sticking to our plans, encouraging each other, and just being healthier in general.
Even though I haven't really been getting my workout on at home, I have been sneaking a little bit in here and there at work. I keep a weighted hula hoop at the office and I have been hooping during lunch when I watch my shows. I also walked around our building one day. I am going to try and do that everyday. I am entitled to two 15 minute breaks a day and I am going to start taking them. WHY NOT!? I think I just decided that I will take two walks everyday. If I recall correctly one lap around the building is a 1/4 mile. I need to double check just so I can log my activity daily. But regardless, it will be exercise and fresh air. (I rarely leave the building for fear that I won't come back, haha!) I also have a Pilates Toning Ring in my office. I do not use it like it is intended, instead I use it like a Thigh Master a'la Suzanne Somers and to work my arms. Oh, excuse me, I said I use it. I meant I will dust it off tomorrow and then I will do those things I mentioned. My job also has a small gym. There are two treadmills, a Gazelle and some other things in there. I can walk or "gazelle" in there if the weather is bad or if I just wanted a little change of pace. I really have no excuse. Just need to do it.
Below is a quick list of the changes I made to my daily routine:
I am enjoying eating healthy meals and snacks. I have always loved fresh fruits and veggies, and I have always eaten a good amount of them. But I have also mixed in a lot of processed foods and sweets. I will always have a sweet tooth, but I am learning to appreciate the natural sweetness of fruit again. I honestly am preferring the sweetness of a juicy clementine or some frozen red seedless grapes over cake or a doughnut. I have been VERY good during the work day despite the constant influx of baked goods and random junk that my boss continues to bring in. This past week alone, there were brownies, 3 different containers of cookies, more than half of a 1/4 sheet birthday cake, and a big bowl of miniature candy bars. I have not indulged in one single morsel. I refuse. I am letting the sight of the junk piss me off. I have found that is my best defense. It may not be the right way, but it is working for me. What is a little scary though is that it doesn't look like any of the cake has been touched. That most likely means that in the past I was the main culprit in devouring any baked goods that were brought in. haha! Whatever. I hope that bastard cake rots all over the counter. I WILL NOT EAT YOU!
What else?? Oh, I am learning to like water. I really don't think I will ever LOVE straight up water. It's just so... blah. But I am loving water with lemon or lime in it. Sometimes I add a packet of Truvia to make lemonade or limeade. Yum!
I have not added any white sugar to anything in about a month. I have replaced sugar with Truvia in my occasional coffee. I use honey, Truvia or agave nectar in my smoothies and tea and when needed in cooking. Sometimes I use brown sugar as well. But NO white sugar. It is extra bad and I don't want it in my system. I also don't want any sugar substitutes that contain saccharin or aspartame. Truvia has replaced Splenda and Equal for me. It is all natural, made from Stevia (which is a plant) and calorie free.
I've been getting in more whole grains. I have always preferred them with the exception of white rice. I truly do love me some white rice. But I have not been eating it. I switched us to brown rice. I can't say I love brown rice, but it is growing on me. Quinoa is a favorite of mine as well as steel cut oats. Frigging yum! I can't even eat regular oatmeal anymore, haha! I haven't been eating much bread lately, but when I do it is 100% whole wheat or some other whole grain bread. I honestly can't remember the last time I had white bread. I don't think my kids have ever tasted bread that is not brown. And my oldest is almost 17.
I have been adding 100% organic Coconut oil to my diet daily. Yes it is a fat, but it is a healthy fat.
The health benefits of coconut oil include hair care, skin care, stress relief, maintaining cholesterol levels, weight loss, increased immunity, proper digestion and metabolism, relief from kidney problems, heart diseases, high blood pressure, diabetes, HIV and cancer, dental care, and bone strength. These benefits of coconut oil can be attributed to the presence of lauric acid, capric acid and caprylic acid, and its properties such as antimicrobial, antioxidant, antifungal, antibacterial, soothing, etc.
When I have toast I spread a little on instead of butter. I add a small amount to my steel cut oats. I add it to my roasted root vegetables. It is very good for you and the flavor is delicious! I bought two jars of it and I keep one in the kitchen and the other in the bathroom. I have been using only coconut oil as a moisturizer for my skin and it is phenomenal! I use it my hair a few times a week before bed as well.
I have not been drinking alcohol as much. I'm not a big drinker, but in the summer I definitely drink more. Over the past 3 weeks I have cut my alcoholic libations from 3-4 a week to just one. I think this has had an impact on my weight loss.
I have had ice cream when I wanted it (if I had the calories to spare). I am just not willing to deprive myself of everything. I won't last if I restrict everything from my life. I don't want this new way of eating to be a diet, this is a new way of life for me. I am not eating like this for a certain period of time, this is how I want to eat for the rest of my life. Food should nourish your body and give you energy. Not hold you down and make you sluggish. I want to continue to look at food simply as nourishment. Eat to live not live to eat. Don't get me wrong, I will always love the taste of food. I don't want that to change, but food should not be the center of my universe. It should not be the focus of a get together, rather the company of good friends and family should be.
Healthy breakfast, snacks and lunch are all ready for tomorrow and I am prepared to continue down my road to a healthier happier me. Feeling good! :) Now if I could just get my butt in the bed earlier. UGH!
In spite of my lack luster and often non existent exercising, my pants are fitting looser and I have lost those 6+ pounds I mentioned earlier.
A woman that I work with approached me and asked if I would be interested in having a little friendly "Biggest Loser" style competition with her . Hell yeah! We decided that the Biggest Loser would receive a $10.00 gift card from the other. I'm all for it. We are doing it for 10 weeks. Then after those 10 weeks we will start the competition again, and again, until we reach our goals. Of course we both want to win, but regardless of who the winner is, we will both be WINNING! We will both be sticking to our plans, encouraging each other, and just being healthier in general.
Even though I haven't really been getting my workout on at home, I have been sneaking a little bit in here and there at work. I keep a weighted hula hoop at the office and I have been hooping during lunch when I watch my shows. I also walked around our building one day. I am going to try and do that everyday. I am entitled to two 15 minute breaks a day and I am going to start taking them. WHY NOT!? I think I just decided that I will take two walks everyday. If I recall correctly one lap around the building is a 1/4 mile. I need to double check just so I can log my activity daily. But regardless, it will be exercise and fresh air. (I rarely leave the building for fear that I won't come back, haha!) I also have a Pilates Toning Ring in my office. I do not use it like it is intended, instead I use it like a Thigh Master a'la Suzanne Somers and to work my arms. Oh, excuse me, I said I use it. I meant I will dust it off tomorrow and then I will do those things I mentioned. My job also has a small gym. There are two treadmills, a Gazelle and some other things in there. I can walk or "gazelle" in there if the weather is bad or if I just wanted a little change of pace. I really have no excuse. Just need to do it.
Below is a quick list of the changes I made to my daily routine:
- eliminate white sugar
- drink at least 1.5 quarts of water a day
- take multi vitamin
- eat 6 small meals a day
- eat fresh fruit and/or vegetable with at least 5 out of 6 meals
- sneak in exercise whenever possible
- try to eliminate all processed foods
- only whole grains
I am enjoying eating healthy meals and snacks. I have always loved fresh fruits and veggies, and I have always eaten a good amount of them. But I have also mixed in a lot of processed foods and sweets. I will always have a sweet tooth, but I am learning to appreciate the natural sweetness of fruit again. I honestly am preferring the sweetness of a juicy clementine or some frozen red seedless grapes over cake or a doughnut. I have been VERY good during the work day despite the constant influx of baked goods and random junk that my boss continues to bring in. This past week alone, there were brownies, 3 different containers of cookies, more than half of a 1/4 sheet birthday cake, and a big bowl of miniature candy bars. I have not indulged in one single morsel. I refuse. I am letting the sight of the junk piss me off. I have found that is my best defense. It may not be the right way, but it is working for me. What is a little scary though is that it doesn't look like any of the cake has been touched. That most likely means that in the past I was the main culprit in devouring any baked goods that were brought in. haha! Whatever. I hope that bastard cake rots all over the counter. I WILL NOT EAT YOU!
What else?? Oh, I am learning to like water. I really don't think I will ever LOVE straight up water. It's just so... blah. But I am loving water with lemon or lime in it. Sometimes I add a packet of Truvia to make lemonade or limeade. Yum!
I have not added any white sugar to anything in about a month. I have replaced sugar with Truvia in my occasional coffee. I use honey, Truvia or agave nectar in my smoothies and tea and when needed in cooking. Sometimes I use brown sugar as well. But NO white sugar. It is extra bad and I don't want it in my system. I also don't want any sugar substitutes that contain saccharin or aspartame. Truvia has replaced Splenda and Equal for me. It is all natural, made from Stevia (which is a plant) and calorie free.
I've been getting in more whole grains. I have always preferred them with the exception of white rice. I truly do love me some white rice. But I have not been eating it. I switched us to brown rice. I can't say I love brown rice, but it is growing on me. Quinoa is a favorite of mine as well as steel cut oats. Frigging yum! I can't even eat regular oatmeal anymore, haha! I haven't been eating much bread lately, but when I do it is 100% whole wheat or some other whole grain bread. I honestly can't remember the last time I had white bread. I don't think my kids have ever tasted bread that is not brown. And my oldest is almost 17.
I have been adding 100% organic Coconut oil to my diet daily. Yes it is a fat, but it is a healthy fat.
The health benefits of coconut oil include hair care, skin care, stress relief, maintaining cholesterol levels, weight loss, increased immunity, proper digestion and metabolism, relief from kidney problems, heart diseases, high blood pressure, diabetes, HIV and cancer, dental care, and bone strength. These benefits of coconut oil can be attributed to the presence of lauric acid, capric acid and caprylic acid, and its properties such as antimicrobial, antioxidant, antifungal, antibacterial, soothing, etc.
When I have toast I spread a little on instead of butter. I add a small amount to my steel cut oats. I add it to my roasted root vegetables. It is very good for you and the flavor is delicious! I bought two jars of it and I keep one in the kitchen and the other in the bathroom. I have been using only coconut oil as a moisturizer for my skin and it is phenomenal! I use it my hair a few times a week before bed as well.
I have not been drinking alcohol as much. I'm not a big drinker, but in the summer I definitely drink more. Over the past 3 weeks I have cut my alcoholic libations from 3-4 a week to just one. I think this has had an impact on my weight loss.
I have had ice cream when I wanted it (if I had the calories to spare). I am just not willing to deprive myself of everything. I won't last if I restrict everything from my life. I don't want this new way of eating to be a diet, this is a new way of life for me. I am not eating like this for a certain period of time, this is how I want to eat for the rest of my life. Food should nourish your body and give you energy. Not hold you down and make you sluggish. I want to continue to look at food simply as nourishment. Eat to live not live to eat. Don't get me wrong, I will always love the taste of food. I don't want that to change, but food should not be the center of my universe. It should not be the focus of a get together, rather the company of good friends and family should be.
Healthy breakfast, snacks and lunch are all ready for tomorrow and I am prepared to continue down my road to a healthier happier me. Feeling good! :) Now if I could just get my butt in the bed earlier. UGH!
Friday, September 16, 2011
Check your price tag
"If you're not being treated with love and respect, check your price tag. Perhaps you have marked yourself down. It's YOU who tell people what you're worth by what you accept. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep the valuables!"
That was my cousin's Facebook status recently. Not sure if she wrote that or if she read it someplace else and felt the need to pass it along. Regardless, I had to steal it. I firmly believe that if you don't value, respect and love yourself than no one else will either.
In my younger years I had a couple of loser boyfriends. Good for nothing, mentally and physically abusive, and heartless. I remember arguing with both of these "men" and they both used this classic phrase on me often, "YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME." Sometimes, it was a statement and other times it was a posed as a question. At that time, I was young and dumb and my self esteem is not what it is today and I would immediately fold and say, "NO, I don't think I am better than anyone." When these idiots would say that I thought I was better than them, it somehow made me feel like the jerk. It made me knock myself down a peg. How ABSURD! I know! I definitely had battered woman syndrome during my late teens and very early adulthood. I really believed inside that it was my fault that these animals treated me the way that they did.
I definitely never deserved to be abused but I sure did make it easy. I always forgave and pretended to forget. I always took the blame and I always allowed one more chance. I stayed with these men for a couple of reasons. One reason was I pitied them, I felt that I was the reason they had a place to live. If I kicked them out they surely would be homeless and I would be responsible, right? And second.. I simply didn't value MYSELF.
Then one day I literally WOKE UP. I honestly don't know exactly what flipped the switch in me. Maybe that last slap in the head did it, who knows. But I was DONE. I knew that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. I knew that there was a man out there for me that would love to "have" me. To hold me in his arms instead of hurting me. A man who would love to say kind words to me to make me feel good rather than get some sick twisted thrill from saying degrading nasty things to me and watching me cry. A man who would do whatever he could to prevent tears from flowing from my eyes than being the cause of those tears. A man who would love me for me and not try to change me. A man who understood that I was my own person and I make my own decisions and they would love that about me and would not try to control me. A man that understood that a good woman compliments a good man and that our love and understanding can only make us both stronger.
After leaving the second guy, I felt that I needed to be alone for a while to re-evaluate my life and understand what it was about me that was attracting such scumbags. It wasn't long before I realized that the problem was I did not value myself. I was easy prey. They were both older than me (not obscenely though), and I was kind of attracted to that. I felt that them being older would make them more experienced in how to treat a woman, I wouldn't have to teach them like I might have to with a younger man. I was naive to relationships, in general. I mean, I had my little Jr. High and High School boyfriends and crap, but I was totally green as to what is expected and acceptable in an adult relationship. I was a young single mother, I was attractive, and probably gave off the "I'm lonely-have low self esteem-come take advantage of me" vibe. It's like an irresistible perfume that abusive men just can not resist. They must approach you and almost immediately move into your home. It's like wild panther pheromones, hahaha! But seriously, abusive men have a type. And I possessed many of the sad qualities that they typically stalk. I needed to improve how I viewed myself so that others would value me more. If I continue to portray myself as lonely and weak, then I am just setting myself up for the next lowlife to abuse me.
Although I was still in the process of mending myself, I reconnected with my (now) hubby. We have known of each other since Jr. High and I had a crush on him since then. We bumped into each other at the store. I will never forget - I had on inside out sweats (for some reason that was cool in the 90's) and my hair was a hot mess. I had the chicken pox and had red dots all over my face and arms, no makeup. I had walked to Walgreen's to get Calamine lotion, and tampons (yup, double whammy). And I am in line behind this man that I have had a crush on for like 10 years. I put my feminine hygiene products and calamine lotion down on the counter and I approached him with some cheesy line that I do not remember (or shall I say I will not repeat). We chatted for only a couple minutes and we went our separate ways. I immediately felt some sort of positive connection with him. I won't say that I knew at that time that this is the man I would spend the rest of my life with or anything. But I definitely sensed something different in him than any of the men from my past. He was definitely worth semi stalking. LOL! I went home and pulled out my local phone book and searched for him. I found only two listings with his last name and just chose one, not knowing his address. I built up the nerve to call him and HE ANSWERED! I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he told me that he had several. WHAT?!?!?! I said, oh ok, I'm all set. Then he said that he was just joking. We got to talking and the rest as they say, "Is history".
The first couple of years that we were together I was still finding my way to loving myself. And he really did help me. He always made sure that I knew how beautiful I was and that I did not deserve what I was put through in my past. He has always been supportive of me and everything that I strive to do. He has never put me down - EVER! He is the exact opposite of the morons that I was with in the past.
It took valuing myself to find a man to value me. I don't compare myself to others in terms of qualities or attributes. I am ME, not you or them. I am MYSELF and I love myself. I am not perfect, nor do I want to be. My quirks make me who I am. I know the areas that I feel require improvement, but these improvements will not change WHO I am.. these improvements will make me even happier ME.
I do not regret the moronic men from my past. Them putting me through hell has helped me become the woman that I am today. I learned from them (the hard way) what is not acceptable in a relationship. I learned what I will not tolerate. I am thankful that I did not allow my heart to be hardened by their actions and inabilities so that when the opportunity for true love and happiness arose I was able to surrender myself fully to it. I am glad that I went through the BS when I was much younger so that I was able to find myself and my soulmate when I did. I would hate to still be in that position at almost 35 and just now starting to really live and love life.
I know that there are thousands of women (and men) out there that have low self value. That allow their partner to take advantage of their weaknesses and belittle them. Sadly, there are tons of people on this planet just looking for someone to knock down and take from. I know that it is sometimes hard to find yourself and raise your self worth when the person you are with constantly puts you down and makes you feel worthless. But the only way out of that funk and to start LIVING your life is to START OVER. Find your true self, and love the YOU that you are, not what someone wants you to be! This has nothing to do with how you look, the hair on your head, the clothes on your body or your weight. This is all about how you feel. Begin building your confidence around WHO you are and what qualities you have to offer the world. Not what you can give them or what some one can physically take from you, but what just being in your mere presence can do for someone. Once you have your confidence, pride and love for yourself, no one can take that away.
REBOOT. REFRESH. RESTART. FRESH PAGE. NEW DAY.
- Erykah Badu
The first couple of years that we were together I was still finding my way to loving myself. And he really did help me. He always made sure that I knew how beautiful I was and that I did not deserve what I was put through in my past. He has always been supportive of me and everything that I strive to do. He has never put me down - EVER! He is the exact opposite of the morons that I was with in the past.
It took valuing myself to find a man to value me. I don't compare myself to others in terms of qualities or attributes. I am ME, not you or them. I am MYSELF and I love myself. I am not perfect, nor do I want to be. My quirks make me who I am. I know the areas that I feel require improvement, but these improvements will not change WHO I am.. these improvements will make me even happier ME.
I do not regret the moronic men from my past. Them putting me through hell has helped me become the woman that I am today. I learned from them (the hard way) what is not acceptable in a relationship. I learned what I will not tolerate. I am thankful that I did not allow my heart to be hardened by their actions and inabilities so that when the opportunity for true love and happiness arose I was able to surrender myself fully to it. I am glad that I went through the BS when I was much younger so that I was able to find myself and my soulmate when I did. I would hate to still be in that position at almost 35 and just now starting to really live and love life.
I know that there are thousands of women (and men) out there that have low self value. That allow their partner to take advantage of their weaknesses and belittle them. Sadly, there are tons of people on this planet just looking for someone to knock down and take from. I know that it is sometimes hard to find yourself and raise your self worth when the person you are with constantly puts you down and makes you feel worthless. But the only way out of that funk and to start LIVING your life is to START OVER. Find your true self, and love the YOU that you are, not what someone wants you to be! This has nothing to do with how you look, the hair on your head, the clothes on your body or your weight. This is all about how you feel. Begin building your confidence around WHO you are and what qualities you have to offer the world. Not what you can give them or what some one can physically take from you, but what just being in your mere presence can do for someone. Once you have your confidence, pride and love for yourself, no one can take that away.
REBOOT. REFRESH. RESTART. FRESH PAGE. NEW DAY.
- Erykah Badu
Monday, September 12, 2011
Don't cry for me Argentina...
(Warning: this is a very long post) -
I have battled with my weight pretty much my whole life. As a little kid I was skinny, then when I was about 8 I started getting chubby. I was chunky up until about the end of 8th grade. Then I started slimming down. I stayed slim until I was about 6.5 months pregnant with my daughter. I gained about 80 pounds while pregnant with her and it took me about a year and a half to get it off. I stayed at a healthy weight for the next 3 years and then I fell in love with my soulmate and packed on the pounds.
In 2005, I decided to get gastric bypass. I went to Argentina to have the surgery. Why, you ask? Simply because it was cheaper than having it done in the States. I was simply fat. I did not have Diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease or any other diseases attributed to being obese. God, I hate the word obese. YUCK! Anyway, I went to Argentina because I assumed that my doctor would have just told me no. Looking back this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever done in my life, one notch below actually boarding the plane and having surgery abroad.
On November 19th, 2005, I hugged and kissed my hubby and daughter goodbye and boarded my plane. I landed in FL, where I met my mother and we both boarded the 2nd plane on to Buenos Aires. A company called Plenitas coordinated everything for us. They provided a guide, Cecelia, and she met us at the airport and then we took a taxi to the hotel and checked in. The next afternoon I met a man who had the same surgery with the same doctor and was recovering nicely. He was from the US as well and he spoke very highly of the doctor. I spent most of that second day at the medical center, where I met with the doctor and had my blood work and testing done. I was then all set for surgery the next day.
That last day before surgery, I emailed back and forth with the Hubby and also with a friend that I worked with. I bid and won an auction on Ebay and had it shipped to my friend for her birthday. My mother shares the same birthday as her and I filled out her birthday card and had her gift prepared to give to her the next day. Her birthday was actually after I was scheduled to be released from the hospital but just in case something went wrong and I had to stay longer I wanted to make sure that she had her card and gift.
I was excited and nervous at the same time.
Day 3 in Argentina, Cecelia came to the hotel and picked me up and we went to the hospital. I signed some documents and soon after I was prepped for surgery. Anesthesia came and sedated me and I started counting backwards from 100. I was out...
The next thing I remember I opened my eyes and my wrists were strapped to a hospital bed. I WAS TERRORFIED! I knew something was not right, but at that time I didn't know what. I was calling for my mom. Then calling for anyone! Nobody came.
I was able to get one of my wrists out of the restraints and then untied the other. Then I realized that there was something in my nose. At first I thought it was just an air tube and went to pull it out. As I was pulling it, I realized this tube was inside of me. I could feel it coming up through my throat and out through my nose. It was a feeding tube. What the HELL is going on here!? My imagination started running wild. I had recently seen the movie Hostel, so I was having really crazy thoughts! Were they experimenting on me? Was I being sexually violated? Why in the world would they have me tied to a bed?
My mother arrived what I guess was a couple hours later (it felt like days). She looked like hell. I could tell she had been bawling her eyes out. I still had no idea at this time what had happened to me. She told me that there was a problem and that the doctor had hit an artery and he suspended the surgery. The doctor told her I had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia due to my high blood pressure. (I don't have high blood pressure.) She explained to me that I had been in a coma for 10 days and had to have dialysis during that time. She explained that my wrists were tied to the bed because I kept ripping my IV out and pulling at my feeding tube. And there was also a problem with my leg. Following the botched surgery I had Compartment Syndrome in my right calf. I do not recall any of this, but my mom told me that the day after the surgery I was awake and that I told her that my leg was really hurting and that it was hot. She touched it and she said it was significantly hotter than the left leg. She told the doctor but he was not concerned. He was preoccupied with the other issues I had going on. Knowing what I know now about Compartment Syndrome, the doctor had to respond immediately and make incisions (fasciotomy) in the limb in order to relieve the pressure that was built up. Failing to act immediately can result in the muscle dying and possible loss of the limb.
It was over 24 hours before a fasciotomy was performed. It was too late.
My leg felt very very heavy and swollen, but I could not really move much due to being so weak. I was covered with a blanket so I could not see my leg. When the doctor came to see me and tend to my leg, what I saw was horrorfying. I had two gapeing holes in both sides of my right calf. The first thing that came to my mind was a rack of raw meat. Disgusting, I know. I actually could not eat meat for some time afterward because of the sight of my leg. I cried and sobbed uncontrollably. I just couldn't wrap my brain around what I was seeing. The doctor cleaned the wounds and packed them with...wait for it...SUGAR! Yes, white granulated sugar. He actually had a 2lb bag of it and poured it into and all around the wounds. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he said that this will keep any bacteria from eating my flesh. Um, ok...I know I was in another country, but what is this the early 1800's or something? There has to be some more modern medicinal way of doing this. Anyway, this cleaning and sugaring went on for the next 3 weeks.
After a few days of being concious I was moved from critical care. There was a little more communication upstairs. No one really spoke any English. This was traumatizing for me being in the situation I was in. There was one doctor who was originally from Chicago. She worked in a totally different unit, but word must've got around about me and she came to visit me every so often, until she was instructed not to. This would be around the time that my mother hired a lawyer. The reason for the lawyer was we were being told conflicting stories about what had actually happened in the operating room that day. The doctor and Plenitas were sticking with their story that hitting the artery was unavoidable due to my "allergic reaction to anesthesia due to high blood pressure". One nurse, who we assumed was fired after speaking to my mother (because we never saw him ever again), told her that the doctor made a mistake and there was blood every where. Another nurse who would only speak to me when she knew no one was around, told me that the doctor hit an organ. I said, no an artery...thinking since she didn't speak much English that she was confusing the word artery and organ. She said no ORGAN! Every now and then over the month that I was there, staff would either slip and tell us info or come right out when they knew that they weren't going to be caught.
I was in severe pain the majority of my stay in this first hospital. I have issues with body cleanliness (not OCD level, but I sometimes shower 3 times a day). I sometime would have to damn near beg to be washed. There are few things more damaging to your pride then begging someone to please wash you because you can't and you feel dirty. I was on Morphine my entire hospital stay. I needed it for my pain, but to be totally honest, I needed it for my mind. I was a mental and emotional wreck! All I did was cry and cry. A therapist came in to speak with me and I'm sure he couldn't even understand a word I was saying. He spoke English fine, but I'm sure my constant blubbering and gasping for air through my crying made me impossible to comprehend. He prescribed me some anti depressant and anxiety pills. Not sure what they were. I do know that my mother, the promise of seeing my family again and Morphine saved my life. I am pretty sure that if my mother wasn't there, that they would have just killed me. I truly believe this. I would've just been some person all alone in a foreign country. No one to follow up on me, no one waiting for me to get out of surgery. They could've totally got away with not having to fix all the damage that they did to me if no one was there with me. And just having my mom with me meant so much. This ordeal brought us closer than we had been before. It sucks that we had to go through this to bring us closer, but I'll take it. I did get to talk to my hubby and daughter on the phone a few times a week. Even though those conversations were terribly hard for me, I needed to hear their voices. I mostly cried listening to them but I needed and wanted to savor every minute I could of hearing their voices. And Morphine. For those times when I just couldn't deal. It was on auto dispense but they also gave me a clicker to dispense more if I felt I needed it. Just not mentally being "there" got me through many days. I will admit that I was pretty much a junky for the month and some change that I was in that hospital.
Christmas was coming up and I was promised that I would be home in time. We don't have a whole lot of Christmas tradition but who wants to spend it in the hospital. I was still in the hospital on Christmas day. A couple of days before Christmas they had told us that I could leave on on December 27th. On the 27th, representatives from Plenitas arrived and brought a typed letter with them that they wanted me to sign. This letter listed everything that had REALLY happened during surgery. That the doctor made a mistake and hit an artery, that there was NO reaction to anesthesia, that he nicked my colon while trying to correct his error, that I suffered from acute compartment syndrome as a result of his mistake. Then there was a paragraph at the end of the letter that basically said that I absolve them of any wrong doing and I will not sue. SCREW YOU! I honestly was too weak to argue and fight but my mom was NOT having it. I really thought that my mother and one of the women were going to come to blows. They finally released me from the hospital. My mother had already booked us tickets on American Airline, we were leaving that night straight from the hospital. I needed to keep my leg elevated at all time so Plenitas offered to have an ambulance drive us to the airport so I would be more comfortable. We accepted. Just a little word of advice here...Don't arrive to the airport in an ambulance. No sooner did we pull up did someone from American Airlines come out to the ambulance and ask for my Medical Release. We showed him my release documents from the hospital. He said no, he needs the Medical Release so I can travel. We didn't have that. Never even heard of it. The people from Plenitas had followed us to the airport and my mom was asking him for the Medical Release. He told us to sign the letter clearing them of any wrong doing and he will provide us with the Medical Release to travel. NO! We sat there bewildered for a little bit and then the man driving the ambulance asked if we wanted him to take us some place else. We asked for the nearest hotel and he brought us. We checked in and I laid in the bed for the next 2 days. I needed a wheelchair and my mom's strength to get to the bathroom. That was the only time that I even got out of the bed. I couldn't shower or bathe because I simply didn't have the strength and I also was afraid to get my wounds wet. I needed my mother to wash my most private areas. How embarrassing! I was not eating. I was running a high fever and I was still an emotional mess. After the second day, my mother insisted that we go to another hospital. During the time I was in the first hospital my mother and my aunt back in the States were trying to get help from Red Cross and from the American Embassy. The Red Cross never even returned one of my mother or aunt's many phone calls or emails. The American Embassy suggested a British run hospital in Buenos Aires to my mother. At this point, I just wanted to die in the hotel room. I did not want to go to another hospital ever again, I was tired of being stuck over and over with IV needles just to have my veins blow. I was tired of the loneliness of the hospital, I was tired of laying there 24/7. I was tired of only having one or two English programs on TV. I was tired of smelling a hospital. I just felt I could not bear it one more day. But my mother persuaded me to go to the British hospital. We went and they admitted me. I had sepsis, this is why I was running a fever. They treated me for my infection. They were attentive and very nice. And most of the staff spoke English, score! After a couple of days they moved me upstairs and began a wound vacuum on my leg and within a couple days you could see the wounds were closing slightly. No more barbaric sugar treatment. I was able to speak to the hubby and daughter anytime I wanted since I had a direct phone line in my room. My mood was definitely improving. I knew I would be going home and seeing my family soon. I was finally released from the second hospital on January 12th, 2006. I arrived in Florida on January 13th. We figured since I was in a wheelchair that my mom's one level Ranch would be easier than my 2nd floor apartment back in Mass. The hubby and daughter flew to Florida the day after I got there. It was so amazing to see them after such a long time, that feeling is indescribable. We all stayed at my mom's for two weeks, then my mother flew back to Mass with my daughter since she needed to go back to school and the hubby stayed with me in FL. My Mommy was what I needed to get me through the ordeal in Argentina, but my hubby was what I needed to get me back on my feet. My mom coddled me and even though I was supposed to be trying my best to use a walker and less wheelchair, she would not push me to because she didn't want to see me in pain or struggling. In her eyes I had been though enough. Hubby was all over me. Not in a mean way, but in the way that I needed. I need to be pushed. He would put the wheelchair on the other side of the living room so if I really really needed it, I had to use the walker to get to it. After about 4 days of his help I only used the wheelchair when we went out. He got me out of the house everyday, I had doctors appointments often but we also went to Target, Walmart, a drive in movie, out for lunch. Nothing fancy, just out of the house. He didn't want me sitting around feeling sorry for myself. We knew life was never going to be the same, but it is what it is and he was going to see me through this and love me no matter what.
We flew back home February 1st. Even though it was hard work getting up to the second floor, it felt SO good to be what I call "home home". To lay in my own bed. The smell of home. The sounds of home (which I typically despise since I live in a very busy noisy neighborhood). I knew I had a long road ahead of me to a full recovery and I wasn't really sure what my final prognosis entailed. I had daily appointments with everyone from the Coumadin Clinic to the Vascular Surgeon. Plastic Surgeon to Orthopedic Surgeon. I also had a physical thrown in there. My GP told me that he had planned a lunch to sit and meet with my whole team, Vascular, Orthopedic and Plastic Surgeons to discuss my case. At that lunch they came up with a plan to get me on my way to recovery. First, the vascular surgeon made sure there were no issues with my veins and/or arteries. He also removed the nasty bed sore that was on my left heel. Then the plastic surgeon debreided the still open wounds and then surgically closed them. This was MAJOR for me. Just to see those huge wide open incisions finally closed made a phenomenal improvement to my state of mind. The Plastic surgeon also "prettied up" the mess of a frankenstein scar that was left on my abdomen. He did this out of the kindness of his heart, free of charge. Then a few weeks later, the Orthopedic surgeon lengthened my Achilles tendon so that my foot would not be dropped any longer. He set pins in it so that it would not drop again. He attempted to do a couple tendon transfers while he was there to see if they would take. Unfortunately, the transfers did not work, since I had so much muscle and tissue damage. I wore a cast for 6 weeks and was able to walk with crutches. Then when the cast was removed I had an air cast. About a week after having the air cast I asked the hubby to stand in front of me because I wanted to see if I could take a couple steps without using the crutches, and I did! It was awesome! I am only 5'4 but I felt so tall! I had been laying in bed, sitting low in a wheel chair or hunched over a walker or crutches for over a year. I had a custom Orthotic brace made so I could wear a regular sneaker again. Since my foot was now fused in a flat footed position I would never be able to wear heels again. This was a bit hard for me to swallow, but at least I had my leg still. (my GP later told me that during that lunch that he had with all of my surgeons, they all agreed that if their surgical plan did not yield the results that they hoped that they all agreed amputation was the next course of action.)
I started physical therapy about a month or so after the last surgery. The first therapist that I had was a little too laid back for me. About 3 weeks in to therapy, she had to break our appointment and another woman named Roxanne saw me. I knew from the moment I met her that she was the one for me. She pushed me! I typically did all of my therapy with my brace on. She asked me how much I can do without the brace on. I told her, I can't do anything without the brace on, I even wear it with my slippers. She said, "take it off. I want to see how much you can do, I think a lot of that is mental. If you are physically uncomfortable you can put it back on." I took it off and put my sneaker on. I was scared. She stood in front of me with her arms out and told me to walk slowly towards her. I did and that was it. I never put that sucker on again! If she hadn't pushed me that day it would've taken me much longer to not be dependent on the brace and to build up my confidence. I made the rest of my appointments with Roxanne. I still have a slight limp when I walk. I tend to favor my left side when I'm just standing around. I have lower back pain because I am uneven now since my right foot is permanently flat. I had to learn how to drive a car with my left foot. I can't run...or maybe I can, but haven't gotten over that mental block yet. But I am alive. And I have both of my legs and feet.
So let's recap. One botched surgery, ten day coma, one fasciotomy, two skin grafts, several debridements, several rounds of dialysis, four blood transfusions, two blood clots, one punctured colon, one dropped foot, one bed sore, two open wounds, three tendon transfers, one surgery to close the wounds, six months of physical therapy, over a year of depression, don't forget the 2 pounds of sugar a day wound care. a year of being almost totally bedridden, enough needle pricks to last a life time and life long disfigurement ....AND I'M STILL FAT!
I lost close to 30 pounds before conceiving my son. And I really didn't gain any weight during my pregnancy. But since giving birth and going back to work after maternity leave, I have gained back 10 of those 30 pounds. I have dieted for the past couple of years since giving birth. I always have good intentions, but I always go a little over board. I am ALL or nothing. I am either drastically cutting out all sugar and all starch or "F" it, I'll eat whatever the hell I want. There was never any happy medium. My current approach is much healthier. Not a diet, but just eating healthier. It is not practical of me to cut out all sweets. I would feel too deprived. I am basically counting calories and exercising. I believe you can have anything in moderation if you are exercising. I plan all of my meals and snacks the night before and I add them to my food log, using http://caloriecount.about.com/. This is what I did when I lost the 30lbs pre-baby. I know that I can stick with this once I get past the first few weeks and really make a routine of it and start seeing results. I am about 2 weeks in and I have lost 3.5lbs. Nothing whopping, but definitely a decrease and that is what I am looking for. I feel that this blog is helping me to maintain my goals. I feel that I am holding myself more accountable for my actions. I can see that people are reading the blog and that makes me not want to give up and have to admit to the "world" that I failed.
I will win the battle of the bulge!!
I have battled with my weight pretty much my whole life. As a little kid I was skinny, then when I was about 8 I started getting chubby. I was chunky up until about the end of 8th grade. Then I started slimming down. I stayed slim until I was about 6.5 months pregnant with my daughter. I gained about 80 pounds while pregnant with her and it took me about a year and a half to get it off. I stayed at a healthy weight for the next 3 years and then I fell in love with my soulmate and packed on the pounds.
In 2005, I decided to get gastric bypass. I went to Argentina to have the surgery. Why, you ask? Simply because it was cheaper than having it done in the States. I was simply fat. I did not have Diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease or any other diseases attributed to being obese. God, I hate the word obese. YUCK! Anyway, I went to Argentina because I assumed that my doctor would have just told me no. Looking back this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever done in my life, one notch below actually boarding the plane and having surgery abroad.
On November 19th, 2005, I hugged and kissed my hubby and daughter goodbye and boarded my plane. I landed in FL, where I met my mother and we both boarded the 2nd plane on to Buenos Aires. A company called Plenitas coordinated everything for us. They provided a guide, Cecelia, and she met us at the airport and then we took a taxi to the hotel and checked in. The next afternoon I met a man who had the same surgery with the same doctor and was recovering nicely. He was from the US as well and he spoke very highly of the doctor. I spent most of that second day at the medical center, where I met with the doctor and had my blood work and testing done. I was then all set for surgery the next day.
That last day before surgery, I emailed back and forth with the Hubby and also with a friend that I worked with. I bid and won an auction on Ebay and had it shipped to my friend for her birthday. My mother shares the same birthday as her and I filled out her birthday card and had her gift prepared to give to her the next day. Her birthday was actually after I was scheduled to be released from the hospital but just in case something went wrong and I had to stay longer I wanted to make sure that she had her card and gift.
I was excited and nervous at the same time.
Day 3 in Argentina, Cecelia came to the hotel and picked me up and we went to the hospital. I signed some documents and soon after I was prepped for surgery. Anesthesia came and sedated me and I started counting backwards from 100. I was out...
The next thing I remember I opened my eyes and my wrists were strapped to a hospital bed. I WAS TERRORFIED! I knew something was not right, but at that time I didn't know what. I was calling for my mom. Then calling for anyone! Nobody came.
I was able to get one of my wrists out of the restraints and then untied the other. Then I realized that there was something in my nose. At first I thought it was just an air tube and went to pull it out. As I was pulling it, I realized this tube was inside of me. I could feel it coming up through my throat and out through my nose. It was a feeding tube. What the HELL is going on here!? My imagination started running wild. I had recently seen the movie Hostel, so I was having really crazy thoughts! Were they experimenting on me? Was I being sexually violated? Why in the world would they have me tied to a bed?
My mother arrived what I guess was a couple hours later (it felt like days). She looked like hell. I could tell she had been bawling her eyes out. I still had no idea at this time what had happened to me. She told me that there was a problem and that the doctor had hit an artery and he suspended the surgery. The doctor told her I had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia due to my high blood pressure. (I don't have high blood pressure.) She explained to me that I had been in a coma for 10 days and had to have dialysis during that time. She explained that my wrists were tied to the bed because I kept ripping my IV out and pulling at my feeding tube. And there was also a problem with my leg. Following the botched surgery I had Compartment Syndrome in my right calf. I do not recall any of this, but my mom told me that the day after the surgery I was awake and that I told her that my leg was really hurting and that it was hot. She touched it and she said it was significantly hotter than the left leg. She told the doctor but he was not concerned. He was preoccupied with the other issues I had going on. Knowing what I know now about Compartment Syndrome, the doctor had to respond immediately and make incisions (fasciotomy) in the limb in order to relieve the pressure that was built up. Failing to act immediately can result in the muscle dying and possible loss of the limb.
It was over 24 hours before a fasciotomy was performed. It was too late.
My leg felt very very heavy and swollen, but I could not really move much due to being so weak. I was covered with a blanket so I could not see my leg. When the doctor came to see me and tend to my leg, what I saw was horrorfying. I had two gapeing holes in both sides of my right calf. The first thing that came to my mind was a rack of raw meat. Disgusting, I know. I actually could not eat meat for some time afterward because of the sight of my leg. I cried and sobbed uncontrollably. I just couldn't wrap my brain around what I was seeing. The doctor cleaned the wounds and packed them with...wait for it...SUGAR! Yes, white granulated sugar. He actually had a 2lb bag of it and poured it into and all around the wounds. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he said that this will keep any bacteria from eating my flesh. Um, ok...I know I was in another country, but what is this the early 1800's or something? There has to be some more modern medicinal way of doing this. Anyway, this cleaning and sugaring went on for the next 3 weeks.
After a few days of being concious I was moved from critical care. There was a little more communication upstairs. No one really spoke any English. This was traumatizing for me being in the situation I was in. There was one doctor who was originally from Chicago. She worked in a totally different unit, but word must've got around about me and she came to visit me every so often, until she was instructed not to. This would be around the time that my mother hired a lawyer. The reason for the lawyer was we were being told conflicting stories about what had actually happened in the operating room that day. The doctor and Plenitas were sticking with their story that hitting the artery was unavoidable due to my "allergic reaction to anesthesia due to high blood pressure". One nurse, who we assumed was fired after speaking to my mother (because we never saw him ever again), told her that the doctor made a mistake and there was blood every where. Another nurse who would only speak to me when she knew no one was around, told me that the doctor hit an organ. I said, no an artery...thinking since she didn't speak much English that she was confusing the word artery and organ. She said no ORGAN! Every now and then over the month that I was there, staff would either slip and tell us info or come right out when they knew that they weren't going to be caught.
I was in severe pain the majority of my stay in this first hospital. I have issues with body cleanliness (not OCD level, but I sometimes shower 3 times a day). I sometime would have to damn near beg to be washed. There are few things more damaging to your pride then begging someone to please wash you because you can't and you feel dirty. I was on Morphine my entire hospital stay. I needed it for my pain, but to be totally honest, I needed it for my mind. I was a mental and emotional wreck! All I did was cry and cry. A therapist came in to speak with me and I'm sure he couldn't even understand a word I was saying. He spoke English fine, but I'm sure my constant blubbering and gasping for air through my crying made me impossible to comprehend. He prescribed me some anti depressant and anxiety pills. Not sure what they were. I do know that my mother, the promise of seeing my family again and Morphine saved my life. I am pretty sure that if my mother wasn't there, that they would have just killed me. I truly believe this. I would've just been some person all alone in a foreign country. No one to follow up on me, no one waiting for me to get out of surgery. They could've totally got away with not having to fix all the damage that they did to me if no one was there with me. And just having my mom with me meant so much. This ordeal brought us closer than we had been before. It sucks that we had to go through this to bring us closer, but I'll take it. I did get to talk to my hubby and daughter on the phone a few times a week. Even though those conversations were terribly hard for me, I needed to hear their voices. I mostly cried listening to them but I needed and wanted to savor every minute I could of hearing their voices. And Morphine. For those times when I just couldn't deal. It was on auto dispense but they also gave me a clicker to dispense more if I felt I needed it. Just not mentally being "there" got me through many days. I will admit that I was pretty much a junky for the month and some change that I was in that hospital.
Christmas was coming up and I was promised that I would be home in time. We don't have a whole lot of Christmas tradition but who wants to spend it in the hospital. I was still in the hospital on Christmas day. A couple of days before Christmas they had told us that I could leave on on December 27th. On the 27th, representatives from Plenitas arrived and brought a typed letter with them that they wanted me to sign. This letter listed everything that had REALLY happened during surgery. That the doctor made a mistake and hit an artery, that there was NO reaction to anesthesia, that he nicked my colon while trying to correct his error, that I suffered from acute compartment syndrome as a result of his mistake. Then there was a paragraph at the end of the letter that basically said that I absolve them of any wrong doing and I will not sue. SCREW YOU! I honestly was too weak to argue and fight but my mom was NOT having it. I really thought that my mother and one of the women were going to come to blows. They finally released me from the hospital. My mother had already booked us tickets on American Airline, we were leaving that night straight from the hospital. I needed to keep my leg elevated at all time so Plenitas offered to have an ambulance drive us to the airport so I would be more comfortable. We accepted. Just a little word of advice here...Don't arrive to the airport in an ambulance. No sooner did we pull up did someone from American Airlines come out to the ambulance and ask for my Medical Release. We showed him my release documents from the hospital. He said no, he needs the Medical Release so I can travel. We didn't have that. Never even heard of it. The people from Plenitas had followed us to the airport and my mom was asking him for the Medical Release. He told us to sign the letter clearing them of any wrong doing and he will provide us with the Medical Release to travel. NO! We sat there bewildered for a little bit and then the man driving the ambulance asked if we wanted him to take us some place else. We asked for the nearest hotel and he brought us. We checked in and I laid in the bed for the next 2 days. I needed a wheelchair and my mom's strength to get to the bathroom. That was the only time that I even got out of the bed. I couldn't shower or bathe because I simply didn't have the strength and I also was afraid to get my wounds wet. I needed my mother to wash my most private areas. How embarrassing! I was not eating. I was running a high fever and I was still an emotional mess. After the second day, my mother insisted that we go to another hospital. During the time I was in the first hospital my mother and my aunt back in the States were trying to get help from Red Cross and from the American Embassy. The Red Cross never even returned one of my mother or aunt's many phone calls or emails. The American Embassy suggested a British run hospital in Buenos Aires to my mother. At this point, I just wanted to die in the hotel room. I did not want to go to another hospital ever again, I was tired of being stuck over and over with IV needles just to have my veins blow. I was tired of the loneliness of the hospital, I was tired of laying there 24/7. I was tired of only having one or two English programs on TV. I was tired of smelling a hospital. I just felt I could not bear it one more day. But my mother persuaded me to go to the British hospital. We went and they admitted me. I had sepsis, this is why I was running a fever. They treated me for my infection. They were attentive and very nice. And most of the staff spoke English, score! After a couple of days they moved me upstairs and began a wound vacuum on my leg and within a couple days you could see the wounds were closing slightly. No more barbaric sugar treatment. I was able to speak to the hubby and daughter anytime I wanted since I had a direct phone line in my room. My mood was definitely improving. I knew I would be going home and seeing my family soon. I was finally released from the second hospital on January 12th, 2006. I arrived in Florida on January 13th. We figured since I was in a wheelchair that my mom's one level Ranch would be easier than my 2nd floor apartment back in Mass. The hubby and daughter flew to Florida the day after I got there. It was so amazing to see them after such a long time, that feeling is indescribable. We all stayed at my mom's for two weeks, then my mother flew back to Mass with my daughter since she needed to go back to school and the hubby stayed with me in FL. My Mommy was what I needed to get me through the ordeal in Argentina, but my hubby was what I needed to get me back on my feet. My mom coddled me and even though I was supposed to be trying my best to use a walker and less wheelchair, she would not push me to because she didn't want to see me in pain or struggling. In her eyes I had been though enough. Hubby was all over me. Not in a mean way, but in the way that I needed. I need to be pushed. He would put the wheelchair on the other side of the living room so if I really really needed it, I had to use the walker to get to it. After about 4 days of his help I only used the wheelchair when we went out. He got me out of the house everyday, I had doctors appointments often but we also went to Target, Walmart, a drive in movie, out for lunch. Nothing fancy, just out of the house. He didn't want me sitting around feeling sorry for myself. We knew life was never going to be the same, but it is what it is and he was going to see me through this and love me no matter what.
We flew back home February 1st. Even though it was hard work getting up to the second floor, it felt SO good to be what I call "home home". To lay in my own bed. The smell of home. The sounds of home (which I typically despise since I live in a very busy noisy neighborhood). I knew I had a long road ahead of me to a full recovery and I wasn't really sure what my final prognosis entailed. I had daily appointments with everyone from the Coumadin Clinic to the Vascular Surgeon. Plastic Surgeon to Orthopedic Surgeon. I also had a physical thrown in there. My GP told me that he had planned a lunch to sit and meet with my whole team, Vascular, Orthopedic and Plastic Surgeons to discuss my case. At that lunch they came up with a plan to get me on my way to recovery. First, the vascular surgeon made sure there were no issues with my veins and/or arteries. He also removed the nasty bed sore that was on my left heel. Then the plastic surgeon debreided the still open wounds and then surgically closed them. This was MAJOR for me. Just to see those huge wide open incisions finally closed made a phenomenal improvement to my state of mind. The Plastic surgeon also "prettied up" the mess of a frankenstein scar that was left on my abdomen. He did this out of the kindness of his heart, free of charge. Then a few weeks later, the Orthopedic surgeon lengthened my Achilles tendon so that my foot would not be dropped any longer. He set pins in it so that it would not drop again. He attempted to do a couple tendon transfers while he was there to see if they would take. Unfortunately, the transfers did not work, since I had so much muscle and tissue damage. I wore a cast for 6 weeks and was able to walk with crutches. Then when the cast was removed I had an air cast. About a week after having the air cast I asked the hubby to stand in front of me because I wanted to see if I could take a couple steps without using the crutches, and I did! It was awesome! I am only 5'4 but I felt so tall! I had been laying in bed, sitting low in a wheel chair or hunched over a walker or crutches for over a year. I had a custom Orthotic brace made so I could wear a regular sneaker again. Since my foot was now fused in a flat footed position I would never be able to wear heels again. This was a bit hard for me to swallow, but at least I had my leg still. (my GP later told me that during that lunch that he had with all of my surgeons, they all agreed that if their surgical plan did not yield the results that they hoped that they all agreed amputation was the next course of action.)
I started physical therapy about a month or so after the last surgery. The first therapist that I had was a little too laid back for me. About 3 weeks in to therapy, she had to break our appointment and another woman named Roxanne saw me. I knew from the moment I met her that she was the one for me. She pushed me! I typically did all of my therapy with my brace on. She asked me how much I can do without the brace on. I told her, I can't do anything without the brace on, I even wear it with my slippers. She said, "take it off. I want to see how much you can do, I think a lot of that is mental. If you are physically uncomfortable you can put it back on." I took it off and put my sneaker on. I was scared. She stood in front of me with her arms out and told me to walk slowly towards her. I did and that was it. I never put that sucker on again! If she hadn't pushed me that day it would've taken me much longer to not be dependent on the brace and to build up my confidence. I made the rest of my appointments with Roxanne. I still have a slight limp when I walk. I tend to favor my left side when I'm just standing around. I have lower back pain because I am uneven now since my right foot is permanently flat. I had to learn how to drive a car with my left foot. I can't run...or maybe I can, but haven't gotten over that mental block yet. But I am alive. And I have both of my legs and feet.
So let's recap. One botched surgery, ten day coma, one fasciotomy, two skin grafts, several debridements, several rounds of dialysis, four blood transfusions, two blood clots, one punctured colon, one dropped foot, one bed sore, two open wounds, three tendon transfers, one surgery to close the wounds, six months of physical therapy, over a year of depression, don't forget the 2 pounds of sugar a day wound care. a year of being almost totally bedridden, enough needle pricks to last a life time and life long disfigurement ....AND I'M STILL FAT!
I lost close to 30 pounds before conceiving my son. And I really didn't gain any weight during my pregnancy. But since giving birth and going back to work after maternity leave, I have gained back 10 of those 30 pounds. I have dieted for the past couple of years since giving birth. I always have good intentions, but I always go a little over board. I am ALL or nothing. I am either drastically cutting out all sugar and all starch or "F" it, I'll eat whatever the hell I want. There was never any happy medium. My current approach is much healthier. Not a diet, but just eating healthier. It is not practical of me to cut out all sweets. I would feel too deprived. I am basically counting calories and exercising. I believe you can have anything in moderation if you are exercising. I plan all of my meals and snacks the night before and I add them to my food log, using http://caloriecount.about.com/. This is what I did when I lost the 30lbs pre-baby. I know that I can stick with this once I get past the first few weeks and really make a routine of it and start seeing results. I am about 2 weeks in and I have lost 3.5lbs. Nothing whopping, but definitely a decrease and that is what I am looking for. I feel that this blog is helping me to maintain my goals. I feel that I am holding myself more accountable for my actions. I can see that people are reading the blog and that makes me not want to give up and have to admit to the "world" that I failed.
I will win the battle of the bulge!!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The "season change" cold
So the summer is pretty much over around here in Massachusetts. Fine with me. I am not a fan of the humidity. I love the smell in the air when Autumn is around the corner. It's my favorite season. But it never fails with the change of season, there comes along a cold for me and my family. I had a sore throat mid week last week and thought it was coming but it went away. Then around 6pm last night I started sneezing over and over and knew this was it. Sore throat is back, congestion and a weak achy body. Yay :(
The hubby woke me up (just for a second) this morning to ask if we had any DayQuil. I told him where he could find it and I went back to sleep. Later on, when my son got up, he came out of the bedroom coughing and sneezing. UGH! Overnight, the whole family has the common cold.
I ran out to the store quickly this afternoon and bought some chicken wings so I could make up a big pot of chicken soup. I am not blogging too much today since I feel like crap, but thought I would share my Chicken Soup Recipe.
More blogging when my head is clear...literally.
Thanks for reading!
Maleeka
The hubby woke me up (just for a second) this morning to ask if we had any DayQuil. I told him where he could find it and I went back to sleep. Later on, when my son got up, he came out of the bedroom coughing and sneezing. UGH! Overnight, the whole family has the common cold.
I ran out to the store quickly this afternoon and bought some chicken wings so I could make up a big pot of chicken soup. I am not blogging too much today since I feel like crap, but thought I would share my Chicken Soup Recipe.
More blogging when my head is clear...literally.
Thanks for reading!
Maleeka
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