Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Love made me fat

So maybe that title is a stretch.  Of course love itself did not make me fat, nor the man that I am in love with.  But the comfort of love changed my habits which led to my weight gain.

When I first got together with my hubby, I was a single mom coming out of an abusive relationship.  I was thin and physically healthy, but mentally a mess.  On the outside I looked good but on the inside I was a wreck.  I knew nothing about myself or who I was.  I was a daughter, a mom and a girlfriend, but that was it.  I had no idea who I was or what I liked to do.

I worked locally, so I was home from work within 15 minutes of punching out.  Dinner was cooked and served by 5:45.  My daughter and I ate, played and read a couple books and then I got her ready for bed, she would be sleeping by 7:30.  I would wash the dishes and shower and I would be sleeping most nights by 9pm.

Enter the Hubstah... We would stay up late talking ALL night on the phone.  Many nights I would never even go to sleep and would realize what time it was because the sun was coming up.  Then we would hang up and I would shower and get ready for work, feed the girl some breakfast and get her ready for daycare.  I would be EXHAUSTED!  I would stop at the store on my way to work and grab a 16 oz bottle of Jolt hoping that the extra caffeine would do me some justice.  As our relationship grew we obviously started spending more time together.  He worked different hours than I did.  He got out of work around 9:30 and would stop by my house around 10'ish.  My after work routine was still all the same except for my eating and sleeping.  I would eat a small plate of food with my daughter at "first dinner" and then when he got there I would pick at some more food while he ate.  Then we would watch TV for a couple hours while eating ice cream or other snacks.  Then go to bed.  Many nights we would talk and talk into the wee hours of the morning.  (Aaahh, young love!)  I would go to work exhausted and sluggish.  Come home and repeat.  

I remember the seasons changed and I dragged out my fall/winter clothes and tried to put on a pair of pants.  I couldn't get them over my ass.  I thought to myself, these must've shrunk the last time I washed them.  haha!  I tried on another pair.  Same deal.  I jumped on the scale.  OMG!  I had gained 15 pounds over the summer!  Looking back, I should've taken control at THIS very moment!  I should've corrected my newly adopted eating and sleeping habits.  FIFTEEN POUNDS!  That sounds like nothing (to me) compared to what I have to lose now.  It would've been so easy to get back in shape then.  Obviously, I did not.  I continued with my unintentional "get fatter" diet plan.  He never once commented or complained about my growing waist line and thicker thighs.  Ever growing derriere' and developing bat wings.  We were just happy and in love.  I am not complaining that I have a man that loves me for me, regardless of my weight.  Not one bit.  But knowing that it didn't matter to him definitely didn't give me the kick in the fat ass that I needed.

Now that we are getting older and have a young son, we are thinking more about our future.  We both want to get healthier so we can have the energy to keep up with our highly energetic 2.5 year old. Added weight definitely makes you sluggish.  I am basically lugging around a 5th grader 24/7.  And let's be honest, if a 5th grader came up to me and asked me to carry them around all day, I would tell them to go kick rocks!  And as if doing it for ourselves wasn't enough motivation, imagining not seeing my children as successful responsible adults and meeting and being a major part of any possible grandchildren's lives, is motivation and a half.

Before I was with him I may have had a much nicer body but I am definitely more beautiful on the inside now.  Early in our relationship he was very instrumental in my self discovery.  I now know without a doubt who I am.  I know what skills I possess and I love who I am.  I have to thank him for forcing me to "figure it out".  We've been together now almost 14 years and we are still very much in love.  I still have a crush on this man.  Had it since about the 7th grade. :)  When he looks at me I know that he sees me as sexy and gorgeous woman...regardless of what the scale tells me.  I want to see myself as he sees me, which will require much needed change.

I truly believe that being disorganized and cluttered leads to a sloppy body.  And I also believe that if you don't make yourself a priority that you are destined to remain fat and unhealthy.  Having my cleaning schedule in effect and being prepared for everything the day before will be extremely beneficial in helping me reach my goals.  And I have taken steps to making Mama a priority.

Our budding romance may have changed my routines which led to me getting fat, but our unconditional love for each other and our family will be my motivation to make the necessary changes to keep me alive.


  1. I love this. So beautifully written. I swear I could have written this. You are truly a beautiful person inside and out. It is easy for me to say I see your beauty, but as someone that battles with weight, I too do not see what others see. I see only my flaws. I love you cuzzy and I am so glad that you are a part of my life.

  2. Thanks Shelly! I am very happy to be part of your life and your crazy family! :) You are beautiful too -inside and out, love you!

  3. I can totally relate to this, thank for sharing.

  4. Aunty M, I love it! I always tried to get my niece to call me that, without much success. Maybe I'll have better luck with her daughter.

    Snaps to you for starting on the path to a healthier you. It's not easy at any age (easy is for chumps, anyway), but it'll be easier now than later. Congratulations also on finding the perfect man for you!

  5. Thank you Angie and Melody for checking out the blog and your kind words. And Melody, I agree, Easy is for chumps!